Day 13 – Tuesday November 4th, True Blue
I voted.
I’m at a party. There are musky smelling cigarettes and alcohol.. I’ve been offered either and politely declined both. House music plays. I found a sweet dog to pet, a flickering fire table to admire, a nice girl to converse with (though she has now wandered on to the bathroom and beyond), and a pretty blue light to stare at. They have several of these. They are wirelessly controlled by a computer, so I have overheard. I like what they do to my head.
That automatic inner yearning in me reaches motionlessly for the alcohol and tobacco, familiar social lubricants. Physically and tangibly, I remain still. I don’t want them. I know they won’t make me feel any better than I can make myself feel without them. I know that even though they might make it easier to talk to strangers in the moment, that ultimately they would cause me ostracization from my higher self and truly deep down, I would actually feel more alone.
I may not know anybody here, but John. I can meet them. I have met them. It is within my realm of possibility, to be known. That was not always so.
Cravings are to where my identity turns instead of embracing the moment. Cravings trick me into thinking that if I submit to them, the moment is mine. A craving, allowed to win, steals the moment from my presence and my presence from the moment, even while it tries to convince me of just the opposite.. It tells me that it is the moment. A craving lies.
The open pack of smokes lays on the table nearby. I see it. I know it is there. It is the very same pack from which a cigarette was offered to me when I first sat down. It’s trying to talk to me. It wants to beckon.. It likes to taunt.. I know that it had no choice except that which I give it.
By itself, it is inanimate. It cannot enslave me any longer, unless I willingly shackle myself.
The fire table has been turned up. This is good for moments earlier it barely topped cabdle strength. The licking, lapping flames are tantalizing. I picture myself tiny, walking in between the peaks.. Orange mountains with bluish foothills and basecamps busy being incendiary. Tiny imagined me treads in and through and around the burning peaks and shiny fire glass.
Shine through me, blue light. John has gone to retrieve me a jalapeño. It is the only pay off the pizza I can eat. I get play next game on the pool table.. I’m going to own this..
How is your night going?
Dusty
#DustyHealthySelfieProject
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